Loneliness defined!!

In the midst of cries and mourning, I looked at the face of my mother and I still recall the blankness. It was 13th March 1994, a darkest day of my life. A couple whom I have seen full of love, commitment and sacrifice in the hardest of times was ripped apart by a mighty decision of God.

Chirping in the corners, jokes by the dinner side and smiles on the faces had all died and was filled with empty spaces and silent walls. We realized the value of togetherness when we looked at families around us smile, their laughter and smiles reminded us of the old times.

That is how our loneliness was defined!!

I realized loneliness as a feeling which makes us run towards relationships. We wish to be around friends to pass our weekends, we indulge in habits to kill away our time and our parents wish us to get married so that we are not left alone in life.

I often wonder why “loneliness” is such a taboo when we were all born as individuals and didn’t bring anyone along. We do become a part of some family but we never take them along when we die. What we take along is our own good/bad deeds which we have done in our lifetime.

When I see around, I see relationships break because one of them feels left alone, I have seen friendships break when people don’t give each other time and I have seen people break when they are left alone by circumstances. The fear of loneliness has unlimited consequences and has lead people to succumb to habits like drugs, addictions, bad habits and many a times suicides. But what remains after them for their families is yet the same thing, loneliness.

In the world of breakups, divorces, neglects and broken relationships caused due to loneliness do we realize the value of togetherness, the bond which god has created especially for us to make sure we are not left alone in this world. Our parents, our friends and our partners are the ones, which god has especially sent for us when he himself couldn’t give much of his attention to all.

On the contrary we often seek loneliness when we are pressurized for time. “Please leave me alone” is a sentence often spoken when we want to concentrate or are going through a sad state. Why do we need time with ourselves then, because we are individuals and we do have our own space which we often don’t cherish.

I have realized over the years that loneliness is a boon in itself and we have so many options to make the most of it. Some options are:
• Nurture our habits, past dreams and learn things which are creative.
• Help others who have been left alone by fate
• Submerge ourselves in the sake of god who has given us this beautiful life
• Spend time with children, who are a gift of god to us to relive our childhood

We never know, if our breath will flow the next second in time. So unpredictable is life and I feel we should make the most of this life and try our best to leave only smiles behind.

Har Pal yahan jee bhar jiyo, kal yeh saman fir ho na ho!!

This blog is dedicated to my mother, my pillar of strength.

Meeting Her - A little Angel !!

Alarm went off at 4.30 AM, while I was already awake looking out of the window of my room at Holiday Inn Maidenhead, where am stationed since last one week. Was it eagerness to see her or the chirping of the birds which woke me up, I was not sure. I had to board a train in an hour’s time to Birmingham to meet her, my little niece Arlene.

On my last visit a few months back, she was too young to lay her eyes on me, but her recent pictures had made me feel that she might recognize me this time. Having devoted myself in work for quite a few years, I had merely forgot the emotional touch of meeting someone as close in the family.

I started to walk towards the station with a heavy bag, thanks to the official dell laptop, but no pain was felt on the shoulder, as her recent pictures floated in front of my eyes, as if she was waiting for me to arrive. Of the few things I adore about UK is the punctuality and timeliness which is followed in every aspect including travel, but unfortunately today my scheduled train was cancelled and I was standing at Reading station waiting for the next train arriving in about 30 minutes. A delay, which was sad, but I couldn’t defy.

My brother received me at the station and here I was looking at her, she greeted me with a bright and fresh smile. She held my finger as I moved my hand towards her’s and she started gurgling in her musical voice. I felt as if she was telling me all the little stories of days she spent here and telling me how much she wished we could meet. I felt she asked me about everyone back in India including her Dadi and confirmed that she would come to meet all of us soon.

When she was born, my neighborhood aunt had said that she has the same surname as mine and thus she would be more dearest to me than to my mother and yes today I could feel the love and affection for her, which was lost long back within me somewhere unknown. I sat around her most of the time, she often interacted with me with her eyes and gurgling a complaint that I didn’t bring her any gift. I went to high street to quickly pick up a few dresses for her and she wore them with a radiant awe in her eyes. She often held the frock as to show to my brother and bhabhi that I have brought it for her. How kiddish I felt, but it brought a peculiar feeling of happiness of the little gift I had bought for her.

Such innocence is what children bring to our harsh lives. They themselves bring out the feelings of love, tenderness and affection for them and we become just like them for sometime.

I often wonder how strange is our existence and life? How we are born in the womb of our mother as a seed, grow up in the hands of strange people who become our family and are submerged in earth or water after we die and leave only memories for others who survive. The soul remains alive and it becomes a part of some other family and lives on the next life.

2 eventful days passed around her, where I heard her voice, saw her smile, captured her in pictures and looked awfully when she cried and here I was standing next to her with a heavy heart to say bye. She again held my finger as if she disapproved of my release from her love and attention. But somehow I managed to steal myself from her eyes which were still looking for me when I left the house.

Back in train, while listening to songs on mobile, her recorded voice just somehow came in the play list and I could do nothing but just smile!!

I too will miss you Little Ms Dhingra and would be eager to meet you again, but we both have to wait for a while!!

Written at 2 AM on 11th May 2010, I owe this blog to her and I couldn’t sleep without completing it tonight.

Aur Karvan banta gaya!!

To the endless fun which the new members have brought for us @ Route 2M.

Refering back to the GSP syndrom which has come back in the bus, after the great days of fun, I see the smiles have come back again. Earlier blog for reference :-)

http://wordless-soul.blogspot.com/2009/09/route-no2m-dumb-bond.html

It is so true of life that we live everyday and each day is like a page in a book which gets registered in our memory. We cannot live back old moments of fun and happiness but life has something new at every step for us.

Old episodes of fun and laughter were registered in my mind, when I again started sitting silent in bus. A friend is recently married and adjusting to a new life, a friend has moved on from the organisation and another friend has left the bus.
But there are a few of us left, who were a part of the gang, but feel the lull after those who were "heart of mehfil".

With increased responsibilities, lot of meetings, travel and work, I lost the touch with the gang. Today, I didnt have a meeting so just asked the gang to start again, our favorite game dumb Charades.

Invariably, the game picked up its momentum and the new joinee's in the bus joined the flow. The younger & the faster generation than us, were amazed to see the art in us, the oldies like me and I was fasinated by their enthusisam. They have brought a new angle and twist to game, with their wild imagination. But they do have less patience in enacting a movie, which becomes hard on them.

Some new exceptional skills which am proud to name:

Bad man ki lalten: He has the worst acts and always on the negative side.
innocent confusion: Thrououghly confused on the approach to express
Karo Ya Maro: Always follows do or die attitude.

While we smile together, laugh at the nuisances, share the good times together, I realise the truth of life. We come alone in this world and then are joined by people at every step in life who play a great part in our lives and these two lines summarise the thoughts within me today...

"Main akela hi chala tha janibe manzil, magar log sath aate gaye aur karvan banta gaya"

Emptiness Within!!

Holiday Inn London, at 2100 hours

Standing near the window, staring for long hours on the view outside, hearing my heart beat closer to me and the emptiness within!!

A sinking feeling embeded in me in an alien land, where I didnt have my family & friends, people who are a vital part of every minute of my life. Place is known, the rules are known but you still feel alienated from all as they are not my known.

Clock shows 3 AM in India, no one is online and strangely I have not spoken a word for past 36 hours. The silence haunts and memories of the last few hours in India, circle around me.

I try to sleep, but jet lag keeps me awake. I stare in the dark and start thinking about my life.

Am so used to some people in my life with whom I spend major part of my day. I have friends, who acompany me everyday while travelling, who acompany me at lunch, with whom I share my feelings, joys and happiness . They sit next to me and we chit chat on topics, office gossips, passions in life and everyday learn something new about each other. Why am I so dependent on people around me, or is it just a way to avoid the emptiness within?

I often think, why do I work so hard, not considering any hour of the day. People call me workaholic, dedidated to the organisation and even ask me if I get paid extra of every hour. My answer is a smile, but somewhere I feel, do I keep myself busy to avoid the voice of silence and the emptiness within?

I often dream of my childhood when I was loved by all, moments of happiness where I felt I can acheive it all, the pain of lost relationships which were not meant to be mine and the darkness of future which I cannot comprehend now. At times I feel fulfilled, at times lonely, but some where deep down in heart I have started feeling - the emptiness within.

The silence of the room and the darkness of night, makes me wonder what would be my life, a few years from now? With emptiness within and no one around.

A tear drops from my eye, but I sleep as of now!!!

Mumbai, the city of dreams!!

Am writing this blog in Mumbai, where am visiting for a day. An official passport to end the monotony of Delhi winters and experience the heat. The city of bollywood where stars break and make news. I have heard that Mumbai is a city of dreams, where dreams come true. I have often wondered is this the only state where people can make big, or is it just because we have Bollywood here?

As I stepped out of the airport, I could see auto rickshaw drivers dressed with a fashion statement which was seen and appreciated in 'Hero Hera lal'. They are a brand in themselves and are known to follow the meter as a rule and are pretty honest. The legendry fiat taxi's, which am sure are vintage cars now in Delhi, have still maintained their status in Mumbai. Borivalli, kandivalli, Juhu inscribed on the rear window shields of the taxi and inner walls all decked up with Bollywood star pictures.

When I noticed people on road, many of them dressed in Maharastrian dresses, I felt it is just a cultural state, like many other states in India such as Kerela, Goa, Kolkatta, Andhra etc which have their own traditional dress up. Ladies have the Veni hanging in the hair and men have a long Teeka on their forehead and most wearing Nehru Topi. But then there were others who follow Rohit Bal, Manish Malhotra’s of the fashion industry. Even men are dressed to walk on the ramp and gals have not left any cosmetic brand, untried.

Are they dressed to be hooked by some producers or director on the road, as has been heard of many hero’s like Akshay (from waiter to actor), Jackie (from street don to actor) etc. Their dreams zoom to the big bill boards on the streets where there posters would be displayed some day.

While travelling to my office, I was taken aback by the site of the slum on the way heading to the nice building on Bandra Kurla Complex, the upcoming business hub. The area stinked, there was water accumulated around the area, there was a huge dump of garbage which was full of flies and then there were some kids playing just next to the bin. The big hygiene campaigns advertisements rolled in front of my eyes, in which big stars often talk about what best facilities should be provided to children of India.

I wonder, what would be the dreams of these children, to get stomach full food everyday, or wear a school dress some day and go to school. Some of them might actually be working in the Bollywood serving tea/drinks to the superstars everyday and sometime being thrashed for not doing it professionally.

Next morning when I reached VT station at 8.30AM, it was a pool of people and nothing but the people, which I often see on TV, as a representative of Mumbai. People running, pushing and struggling to reach there work location or earn a living for the day, many of them from middle class who cannot afford to buy a car. Some of their dreams would be to save enough money to afford a house in the increasing real estate prices, a good school for their children and other such basic needs which are impacted due to ever increasing population and limited amenities.

Are these the impacts of Mumbai being a city of dreams, which makes people leave their luxuries and successful careers to be a part of this city. It is not deniable that Mumbai has all the opportunities for the people with creative talent because Bollywood and its adjacent industry – Music, Investment, production, Advertisement, Marketing – create all the opportunities. And there have been stars who have made big here, starting from scratch and establishing themselves to big names. I wonder what percentage of them actually become successful, while rest of them still continue to live on to achieve it some day.

And what happens to those who have it all. Would they will always be as successful as they are today. There have been some, who have had good times but in their old age they died without recognition. People forget their name, their contributions and for the new generations they are almost extinct. What is the span of the fame, which they all are running after and where their dreams take them eventually!!

But these instances, cases, situations don’t deter people from following their dreams and landing into Mumbai. And the most encouraging part is the magic in the city which makes it possible. It was true for me as well, as I got to meet Bobby Doel, my favorite hero at the Mumbai airport.
A long cherished dream which came true, Thanks to Mumbai, the city of dreams!!

10 years have passed!!!

I had a strange feeling yesterday when someone asked me “Where do you stay?”. I told him that I stay in Rohini which is around 40 kms from Noida. He asked me don’t you get tired traveling this much every day. And I told him that I have been traveling this route for 10 years now.

10 years!!!…I reflected is a really long time which I have spent on this route. From Mathura road to Noida, I have almost been taking the same route every day. But each day seems to be my first day to office when I was thrilled to join my new job.

When I started, “my savari” was the local blue line buses racing around each other for passengers. The dirt, smell and oogling eyes were a part of my daily routine. I always used to be so busy struggling to get a secure place to stand and avoid looking at the people around me. I remember running after the buses and changing two buses to reach office on time but it was the most irritating time of the day for me. But as it was the cheapest mode to travel, it was the only option with that salary.

One day a mail was floated in office for car pools and I thought I would attempt to join one so replied to the mail. A girl mailed me for the car pool and we planned to meet at the cafeteria. It was funny meeting as she asked me “which car do you have” and I said I thought you have a car. We laughed and then she introduced me to a chartered bus which used to come from our area, brand Ruby.

Chartered buses a very popular medium of travel then and my “second savari”, had its own strange environment. Aunties used to gossip about their in laws and uncles were busy discussing office politics. But sometimes when they looked up from their discussions, they tried to make friends with people like us from corporate. The agenda for such friendly approach always used to be either evaluation of this generation to theirs or sizing us up for their sons/daughters who are eligible for marriage. I still remember some names from NTPC Kalia ji, Mr. Sharma and one sardarji uncle. Along with them was Anita ji who was a jhansi ki rani from the security team of our company. She had all the news on who was mostly seen in the cafeteria, who is soon going to run away with whom.

Those people actually became a part of my every day travel but along with them was the road, the monuments which I started noticing as I was not busy avoiding that single touch and oogles. Over the years I have seen a lot of new constructions including the metro, fly away bridges, road crossing posts, building renovations and new structures coming on the route. It has changed from a primitive city to a highly modernized city, thanks to the common wealth and Delhi Sarkar.

But few things which have not changed are big Jams, people sleeping on the road, water logging on the roads in rains, people parking their vehicles on the flyover to bow to Hanuman ji and many such things which I might not have noticed.

When I reflect back, most of my best friends, I have met on this route. One of my best friends actually met me when our bus was broken and she had to face a lot of rain with me. I was the new joinee that day and the bus was broken on the way. We took an auto, but it was stuck in water logging, then another auto which met with an accident and then we literally walked on the road in the heaviest rain of the season.

One these roads, she had taught me how to drive my car which was my “third savari” after some progression in the corporate world. She guided me on the driving tips, alternates and made me confident to face the Delhi roads and the world in general. I was so afraid to driver that I often use to give it up especially after my first accident, but she gave the strength and tact to keep moving. Then she fortunately got enrolled in one of the best universities in US and moved on, but here I was driving confidently on the route.

My “fourth savari” now is my office bus, where I have met some good people who are a vital part of my life, but along with them are the roads, the monuments, the renovations and the Big Jams.

Today, I thought I would capture this route, the road, the instances and monuments which have steadily been with me. Every day I see them wishing me a warm welcome and a very good morning.

Do you have Vitamin Deficiency!!!

I have recently learnt a concept of progressive elaboration, so am attempting to write this blog in progression as I complete the book “How to Get what you want and want what you have” by John Gray (Famous writer of Men are from Mars and Women from Venus).

It has this interesting concept of life requiring a set of vitamins in our 10 love tanks. It is elaborated that while we live, we have need to have all our 10 love tanks filled to be satisfied. Following are the vitamins, their description and age timelines.

Vitamin G1 - Love and support from God - Conception to birth
Vitamin P1 – Love and Support from our parents - Birth to 7
Vitamin F - Love and Support Family, Friends and having fun - 7 to 14
Vitamin P2 - Love and Support Peers and others like us with similar goals - 14 to 21
Vitamin S - Love and support from ourselves - 21 to 28
Vitamin R - Love and Support Relationships, Partnerships and romance - 28 to 35
Vitamin D - Love and support from some one who is dependent on us - 35 to 40
Vitamin C - Giving back to our communities - 41 to 49
Vitamin W - Giving back to the world - 49 to 56
Vitamin G2 - Serving god - 56 and Beyond

John suggests that we often have a deficiency of a particular vitamin, due to which one of our love tanks is not filled and we feel dissatisfied. An interesting statistics he has highlighted is, a higher percentage of divorces happening around 28 for those who got married in their Self Love age (21 to 28). They feel the deficiency of not having lived their life and blame the partner for what they are missing within themselves.

Hey don’t push your marriages till 28 reading this, but might be you would be able to appreciate the family life when you have loved yourself or are well connected with yourself!!!

As I further read the book, I understood for most difficulties in life the solution starts with making sure we are filling the first five love tanks. By taking sometime out of our week to fill our past love tanks, we are able to move forward to create the life we want. If you have flowers in your garden, it is not enough to water then once, we need to regularly attend to them and keep nurturing them. Following description provides the symptom for identifying your unfilled tank, remedy to fill the tank and suggests a mode to achieve the same.

Vitamin G1: Love and support from God

Symptoms: Life tends to be a struggle; we become stressed and tired thinking that we have to do it ourselves.

Remedy: Connect with god to realize we are not alone and there is a higher power assisting us.

Mode: Meditation.

Vitamin P1: Love and support from parents

Symptoms: We tend to be held back in by feelings of doubt, inadequacy and unworthiness, waves of emotional disturbance and distress in our lives.

Remedy: Need to get someone to listen to you, understand you and give you unconditional love. As this tank begins to fill you become more supportive to you yourself.

Mode: Therapists or counselors or friends act as hired parents and some healing exercises

Vitamin F: Love and support from family, friends and fun

Symptoms: Life is too serious and you are not having fun. It feels your primary relationship suffers from criticism, blame or boredom.

Remedy: Need to nurture our old friendships and create new ones. Old friends help us love and accept ourselves the way we are and new friends bring out new parts of what we are. Humour, funny movies and having fun is additional ways of filling this tank.

Mode: If you don’t have many friends, start doing things for others. By first giving and then receiving in return you gradually begin to like each other and become friends.

Vitamin P2: Peer support

Symptoms: Loneliness, too confined to the family

Remedy: You should nurture your interests separate from your partner and join some group activities. It helps awaken the teenager in you and you will have surges of enthusiasm, vitality and energy to move ahead in life.

Mode: Attend a game of your favorite sports team in a stadium, movies in cinemas, theatres, religious activities, concerts of favorite singers.

Vitamin S: Self Love

Symptoms: Much of the time we hold ourselves back because we are concerned about what others will think of us. We want to do things, but we don’t because if we make mistake we would reminded of it forever.

Remedy: To love yourself give yourself permission to experiment in life. Get away from people in your everyday life, so that you are free to try on new outfits and behave differently. Give yourself the freedom, to do things you have never done before and go somewhere you would never go again.

Mode: Take a few minutes everyday to reflect on what you want and then set your intentions by putting in your order.

Vitamin R: Relationships, partnerships and romance

Symptoms: You are not able to decide on a partner or likewise in a relationship, after a while love stops flowing.

Remedy: In either case, it means your other love tanks are not filled. If you are not getting the right partner, you are looking in the wrong direction. Just start dating and don’t look for the perfect person. When a student is ready a teacher is always there. Similarly, when you are ready for a relationship and you are open to dating, the perfect person shows up. Soul mates are never perfect, but they are perfect for you as a partner.

Mode: Learn relationship skills.

Vitamin D: Unconditional love to someone who is depending on you.

Symptoms: Without children, unknowingly sabotage a relationship or the possibility of a new relation by over nurturing and treating a partner like a child.

Remedy: Being responsible for the needs of others is a essential requirement of the soul. By feeling responsible and giving your love unconditionally your soul will be strengthened.

Mode: Take care of children, grandchildren, pets and gardens. It means taking care of anything alive.

Vitamin C: Giving back to the community, assisting in making world a better place.

Symptoms: Unable to expand your spirit

Remedy: thinking about helping others. The gifts we have received from life are the gifts we have to share with our community. This kind of giving can be so gratifying that we forget the other people we love, so be careful and not neglect your family in the process.

Mode: volunteer work to help others not directly related to you.

Vitamin W: Giving back to the world

Symptoms: Many people start feeling old because they are not expanding and thus not growing.

Remedy: By connecting and sharing yourself with other cultures, you will discover that although people are different but we are all the same inside. Seeing the world will bring out new parts of who you are and will keep you young.

Mode: Get involved in some kind of world cause like travel, see the world and share your light.

Vitamin G2: Serving god.

Symptoms: Many people immediately age and get sick at this time, because their other tanks are too empty to fulfill this new requirement to give selflessly in service.

Remedy: This is time when we reach our full glory. Now we can be in touch with our greatest powers and gifts. By now all your love tanks have been filled and your greatest joy is in serving. As you enjoy this state, you feel more and more that you are one with everything and everyone. You become a pure channel of God’s grace to all you meet.

Mode: Serve and connect with God.

It is interesting theory though and would encourage you to just think - Are your love tanks filled? “do you love yourself?” and “have you been content with your family”, “are you happy with your career” or are you facing any such symptoms. If yes, then would encourage you to apply the remedies as suggested.

The book has a lot more details on Meditation methodologies, how to understand your desire etc and would suggest all of us should atleast read it once to know ourselves more.

Happy reading!!!!