Emptiness Within!!

Holiday Inn London, at 2100 hours

Standing near the window, staring for long hours on the view outside, hearing my heart beat closer to me and the emptiness within!!

A sinking feeling embeded in me in an alien land, where I didnt have my family & friends, people who are a vital part of every minute of my life. Place is known, the rules are known but you still feel alienated from all as they are not my known.

Clock shows 3 AM in India, no one is online and strangely I have not spoken a word for past 36 hours. The silence haunts and memories of the last few hours in India, circle around me.

I try to sleep, but jet lag keeps me awake. I stare in the dark and start thinking about my life.

Am so used to some people in my life with whom I spend major part of my day. I have friends, who acompany me everyday while travelling, who acompany me at lunch, with whom I share my feelings, joys and happiness . They sit next to me and we chit chat on topics, office gossips, passions in life and everyday learn something new about each other. Why am I so dependent on people around me, or is it just a way to avoid the emptiness within?

I often think, why do I work so hard, not considering any hour of the day. People call me workaholic, dedidated to the organisation and even ask me if I get paid extra of every hour. My answer is a smile, but somewhere I feel, do I keep myself busy to avoid the voice of silence and the emptiness within?

I often dream of my childhood when I was loved by all, moments of happiness where I felt I can acheive it all, the pain of lost relationships which were not meant to be mine and the darkness of future which I cannot comprehend now. At times I feel fulfilled, at times lonely, but some where deep down in heart I have started feeling - the emptiness within.

The silence of the room and the darkness of night, makes me wonder what would be my life, a few years from now? With emptiness within and no one around.

A tear drops from my eye, but I sleep as of now!!!

Mumbai, the city of dreams!!

Am writing this blog in Mumbai, where am visiting for a day. An official passport to end the monotony of Delhi winters and experience the heat. The city of bollywood where stars break and make news. I have heard that Mumbai is a city of dreams, where dreams come true. I have often wondered is this the only state where people can make big, or is it just because we have Bollywood here?

As I stepped out of the airport, I could see auto rickshaw drivers dressed with a fashion statement which was seen and appreciated in 'Hero Hera lal'. They are a brand in themselves and are known to follow the meter as a rule and are pretty honest. The legendry fiat taxi's, which am sure are vintage cars now in Delhi, have still maintained their status in Mumbai. Borivalli, kandivalli, Juhu inscribed on the rear window shields of the taxi and inner walls all decked up with Bollywood star pictures.

When I noticed people on road, many of them dressed in Maharastrian dresses, I felt it is just a cultural state, like many other states in India such as Kerela, Goa, Kolkatta, Andhra etc which have their own traditional dress up. Ladies have the Veni hanging in the hair and men have a long Teeka on their forehead and most wearing Nehru Topi. But then there were others who follow Rohit Bal, Manish Malhotra’s of the fashion industry. Even men are dressed to walk on the ramp and gals have not left any cosmetic brand, untried.

Are they dressed to be hooked by some producers or director on the road, as has been heard of many hero’s like Akshay (from waiter to actor), Jackie (from street don to actor) etc. Their dreams zoom to the big bill boards on the streets where there posters would be displayed some day.

While travelling to my office, I was taken aback by the site of the slum on the way heading to the nice building on Bandra Kurla Complex, the upcoming business hub. The area stinked, there was water accumulated around the area, there was a huge dump of garbage which was full of flies and then there were some kids playing just next to the bin. The big hygiene campaigns advertisements rolled in front of my eyes, in which big stars often talk about what best facilities should be provided to children of India.

I wonder, what would be the dreams of these children, to get stomach full food everyday, or wear a school dress some day and go to school. Some of them might actually be working in the Bollywood serving tea/drinks to the superstars everyday and sometime being thrashed for not doing it professionally.

Next morning when I reached VT station at 8.30AM, it was a pool of people and nothing but the people, which I often see on TV, as a representative of Mumbai. People running, pushing and struggling to reach there work location or earn a living for the day, many of them from middle class who cannot afford to buy a car. Some of their dreams would be to save enough money to afford a house in the increasing real estate prices, a good school for their children and other such basic needs which are impacted due to ever increasing population and limited amenities.

Are these the impacts of Mumbai being a city of dreams, which makes people leave their luxuries and successful careers to be a part of this city. It is not deniable that Mumbai has all the opportunities for the people with creative talent because Bollywood and its adjacent industry – Music, Investment, production, Advertisement, Marketing – create all the opportunities. And there have been stars who have made big here, starting from scratch and establishing themselves to big names. I wonder what percentage of them actually become successful, while rest of them still continue to live on to achieve it some day.

And what happens to those who have it all. Would they will always be as successful as they are today. There have been some, who have had good times but in their old age they died without recognition. People forget their name, their contributions and for the new generations they are almost extinct. What is the span of the fame, which they all are running after and where their dreams take them eventually!!

But these instances, cases, situations don’t deter people from following their dreams and landing into Mumbai. And the most encouraging part is the magic in the city which makes it possible. It was true for me as well, as I got to meet Bobby Doel, my favorite hero at the Mumbai airport.
A long cherished dream which came true, Thanks to Mumbai, the city of dreams!!

10 years have passed!!!

I had a strange feeling yesterday when someone asked me “Where do you stay?”. I told him that I stay in Rohini which is around 40 kms from Noida. He asked me don’t you get tired traveling this much every day. And I told him that I have been traveling this route for 10 years now.

10 years!!!…I reflected is a really long time which I have spent on this route. From Mathura road to Noida, I have almost been taking the same route every day. But each day seems to be my first day to office when I was thrilled to join my new job.

When I started, “my savari” was the local blue line buses racing around each other for passengers. The dirt, smell and oogling eyes were a part of my daily routine. I always used to be so busy struggling to get a secure place to stand and avoid looking at the people around me. I remember running after the buses and changing two buses to reach office on time but it was the most irritating time of the day for me. But as it was the cheapest mode to travel, it was the only option with that salary.

One day a mail was floated in office for car pools and I thought I would attempt to join one so replied to the mail. A girl mailed me for the car pool and we planned to meet at the cafeteria. It was funny meeting as she asked me “which car do you have” and I said I thought you have a car. We laughed and then she introduced me to a chartered bus which used to come from our area, brand Ruby.

Chartered buses a very popular medium of travel then and my “second savari”, had its own strange environment. Aunties used to gossip about their in laws and uncles were busy discussing office politics. But sometimes when they looked up from their discussions, they tried to make friends with people like us from corporate. The agenda for such friendly approach always used to be either evaluation of this generation to theirs or sizing us up for their sons/daughters who are eligible for marriage. I still remember some names from NTPC Kalia ji, Mr. Sharma and one sardarji uncle. Along with them was Anita ji who was a jhansi ki rani from the security team of our company. She had all the news on who was mostly seen in the cafeteria, who is soon going to run away with whom.

Those people actually became a part of my every day travel but along with them was the road, the monuments which I started noticing as I was not busy avoiding that single touch and oogles. Over the years I have seen a lot of new constructions including the metro, fly away bridges, road crossing posts, building renovations and new structures coming on the route. It has changed from a primitive city to a highly modernized city, thanks to the common wealth and Delhi Sarkar.

But few things which have not changed are big Jams, people sleeping on the road, water logging on the roads in rains, people parking their vehicles on the flyover to bow to Hanuman ji and many such things which I might not have noticed.

When I reflect back, most of my best friends, I have met on this route. One of my best friends actually met me when our bus was broken and she had to face a lot of rain with me. I was the new joinee that day and the bus was broken on the way. We took an auto, but it was stuck in water logging, then another auto which met with an accident and then we literally walked on the road in the heaviest rain of the season.

One these roads, she had taught me how to drive my car which was my “third savari” after some progression in the corporate world. She guided me on the driving tips, alternates and made me confident to face the Delhi roads and the world in general. I was so afraid to driver that I often use to give it up especially after my first accident, but she gave the strength and tact to keep moving. Then she fortunately got enrolled in one of the best universities in US and moved on, but here I was driving confidently on the route.

My “fourth savari” now is my office bus, where I have met some good people who are a vital part of my life, but along with them are the roads, the monuments, the renovations and the Big Jams.

Today, I thought I would capture this route, the road, the instances and monuments which have steadily been with me. Every day I see them wishing me a warm welcome and a very good morning.

Do you have Vitamin Deficiency!!!

I have recently learnt a concept of progressive elaboration, so am attempting to write this blog in progression as I complete the book “How to Get what you want and want what you have” by John Gray (Famous writer of Men are from Mars and Women from Venus).

It has this interesting concept of life requiring a set of vitamins in our 10 love tanks. It is elaborated that while we live, we have need to have all our 10 love tanks filled to be satisfied. Following are the vitamins, their description and age timelines.

Vitamin G1 - Love and support from God - Conception to birth
Vitamin P1 – Love and Support from our parents - Birth to 7
Vitamin F - Love and Support Family, Friends and having fun - 7 to 14
Vitamin P2 - Love and Support Peers and others like us with similar goals - 14 to 21
Vitamin S - Love and support from ourselves - 21 to 28
Vitamin R - Love and Support Relationships, Partnerships and romance - 28 to 35
Vitamin D - Love and support from some one who is dependent on us - 35 to 40
Vitamin C - Giving back to our communities - 41 to 49
Vitamin W - Giving back to the world - 49 to 56
Vitamin G2 - Serving god - 56 and Beyond

John suggests that we often have a deficiency of a particular vitamin, due to which one of our love tanks is not filled and we feel dissatisfied. An interesting statistics he has highlighted is, a higher percentage of divorces happening around 28 for those who got married in their Self Love age (21 to 28). They feel the deficiency of not having lived their life and blame the partner for what they are missing within themselves.

Hey don’t push your marriages till 28 reading this, but might be you would be able to appreciate the family life when you have loved yourself or are well connected with yourself!!!

As I further read the book, I understood for most difficulties in life the solution starts with making sure we are filling the first five love tanks. By taking sometime out of our week to fill our past love tanks, we are able to move forward to create the life we want. If you have flowers in your garden, it is not enough to water then once, we need to regularly attend to them and keep nurturing them. Following description provides the symptom for identifying your unfilled tank, remedy to fill the tank and suggests a mode to achieve the same.

Vitamin G1: Love and support from God

Symptoms: Life tends to be a struggle; we become stressed and tired thinking that we have to do it ourselves.

Remedy: Connect with god to realize we are not alone and there is a higher power assisting us.

Mode: Meditation.

Vitamin P1: Love and support from parents

Symptoms: We tend to be held back in by feelings of doubt, inadequacy and unworthiness, waves of emotional disturbance and distress in our lives.

Remedy: Need to get someone to listen to you, understand you and give you unconditional love. As this tank begins to fill you become more supportive to you yourself.

Mode: Therapists or counselors or friends act as hired parents and some healing exercises

Vitamin F: Love and support from family, friends and fun

Symptoms: Life is too serious and you are not having fun. It feels your primary relationship suffers from criticism, blame or boredom.

Remedy: Need to nurture our old friendships and create new ones. Old friends help us love and accept ourselves the way we are and new friends bring out new parts of what we are. Humour, funny movies and having fun is additional ways of filling this tank.

Mode: If you don’t have many friends, start doing things for others. By first giving and then receiving in return you gradually begin to like each other and become friends.

Vitamin P2: Peer support

Symptoms: Loneliness, too confined to the family

Remedy: You should nurture your interests separate from your partner and join some group activities. It helps awaken the teenager in you and you will have surges of enthusiasm, vitality and energy to move ahead in life.

Mode: Attend a game of your favorite sports team in a stadium, movies in cinemas, theatres, religious activities, concerts of favorite singers.

Vitamin S: Self Love

Symptoms: Much of the time we hold ourselves back because we are concerned about what others will think of us. We want to do things, but we don’t because if we make mistake we would reminded of it forever.

Remedy: To love yourself give yourself permission to experiment in life. Get away from people in your everyday life, so that you are free to try on new outfits and behave differently. Give yourself the freedom, to do things you have never done before and go somewhere you would never go again.

Mode: Take a few minutes everyday to reflect on what you want and then set your intentions by putting in your order.

Vitamin R: Relationships, partnerships and romance

Symptoms: You are not able to decide on a partner or likewise in a relationship, after a while love stops flowing.

Remedy: In either case, it means your other love tanks are not filled. If you are not getting the right partner, you are looking in the wrong direction. Just start dating and don’t look for the perfect person. When a student is ready a teacher is always there. Similarly, when you are ready for a relationship and you are open to dating, the perfect person shows up. Soul mates are never perfect, but they are perfect for you as a partner.

Mode: Learn relationship skills.

Vitamin D: Unconditional love to someone who is depending on you.

Symptoms: Without children, unknowingly sabotage a relationship or the possibility of a new relation by over nurturing and treating a partner like a child.

Remedy: Being responsible for the needs of others is a essential requirement of the soul. By feeling responsible and giving your love unconditionally your soul will be strengthened.

Mode: Take care of children, grandchildren, pets and gardens. It means taking care of anything alive.

Vitamin C: Giving back to the community, assisting in making world a better place.

Symptoms: Unable to expand your spirit

Remedy: thinking about helping others. The gifts we have received from life are the gifts we have to share with our community. This kind of giving can be so gratifying that we forget the other people we love, so be careful and not neglect your family in the process.

Mode: volunteer work to help others not directly related to you.

Vitamin W: Giving back to the world

Symptoms: Many people start feeling old because they are not expanding and thus not growing.

Remedy: By connecting and sharing yourself with other cultures, you will discover that although people are different but we are all the same inside. Seeing the world will bring out new parts of who you are and will keep you young.

Mode: Get involved in some kind of world cause like travel, see the world and share your light.

Vitamin G2: Serving god.

Symptoms: Many people immediately age and get sick at this time, because their other tanks are too empty to fulfill this new requirement to give selflessly in service.

Remedy: This is time when we reach our full glory. Now we can be in touch with our greatest powers and gifts. By now all your love tanks have been filled and your greatest joy is in serving. As you enjoy this state, you feel more and more that you are one with everything and everyone. You become a pure channel of God’s grace to all you meet.

Mode: Serve and connect with God.

It is interesting theory though and would encourage you to just think - Are your love tanks filled? “do you love yourself?” and “have you been content with your family”, “are you happy with your career” or are you facing any such symptoms. If yes, then would encourage you to apply the remedies as suggested.

The book has a lot more details on Meditation methodologies, how to understand your desire etc and would suggest all of us should atleast read it once to know ourselves more.

Happy reading!!!!

What's your Rashee!!

Ashutosh Gwarikar, was the reason why I thought I would try out this movie, which was 3 hours long and had 2 intermissions. Yes, you read it right, 2 intermission out of which 2nd intermission explicitly looks like from censor board. But before you read further, we should congratulate Priyanka Chopra ,who has done a commendable job in each of the roles. She has made it a must see movie, if you often relate people with their Rashee!!.

An interesting thought to ponder was, why is the movie based on females? It could have been be a gal looking for a man. Is it because we have Male dominated society or because only women have different colors/shades?. No debates please, just a thought.

Am not going to reveal the story as many of you still have to see the movie, but some facets which you should watch for and may like to discuss on this blog (as comments).

As you all would have read in the newspaper, its about 12 gals or 12 rashee which he plans to meet based on a book he reads while he is awake at night (affected by US Jet Lag).

While I assumed they are showing it by birthdates, but mum identified it was accordingly to name (she reads both horoscopes :-)). So, I picked up the Hindi Magazine to check the Rashee and their matching alphabets, but as I don’t remember most of the names, so can be wrong in the blog.

Please be sure you understand it that way, and note the names as they announce the name of the gal before every planned meeting. Just for your help (as am sure you don’t read Hindi papers/magazines), following were the alphabets of the characters and my interpretation of their traits.


A - Aries - Pure Heart
V - Taurus - Evaluating/Hidden personality
K - Gemini - Confused/Chirpy
H - Cancer - Very Honest/Clings to past
M - Leo - Aggressive
P - Virgo - Selfless
R - Libra - Too Practical/Logical
N - Scorpio - Passionate
B - Sagittarius - This is edited
J - Capricorn - Sober/Simple
S - Aquarius - Open Minded/Smart/Practical
C - Pisces - Living in their world

S was the Rashee I could relate myself to the most and hey boasting is allowed on one's own blog!!

In the movie, it would be interesting to see how Ashoutosh has actually maintained the respect for each Rashee as he mentioned in the disclaimer . To enable that, the best approach he took was not to highlight much on the characteristics of the Rashee, but the situations these women were actually in. Some were very successful career wise, some devoted to our country and some living just in their past.

Then there were some social issues which were highlighted, how women are pushed into marriage for emotional support, for money, for family sake and some are even made to fake their identity. It also, highlighted the issues of dowry, adolescent marriages, and reasons why marriage becomes a contract for some.

All women can be seen sailing through their situations, either themselves of through some help. They all have dreams which they wish to achieve and Marriage is not the only thing in a women's life today. It is important, but not a compulsion anymore. Another aspect is the realization for some parents, who always underestimate what a woman can be, if she is able/allowed to choose.

But it also highlighted the fact that it is very difficult to make a decision as you are not able to judge a person in 10 minutes or a day which you get to decide. Also, the dilemma men face when they meet women, who are as competitive as they are. Can they compromise their career, preferences etc for a gal, if they are expecting the same from them.

And finally, what is the basis on which we should make a decision. Or it is just a destiny!!! (“Marriage…a quest of destiny” – March 2008).

You all would be inferring the end from your perspective, but I could relate theme of the movie to the words of a acquaintance I met once, who said "We should not typecast ourselves to the LINDA traits, as every individual is quite unique and each on of us is a precious drop in the ocean(THIS WORLD)".

I also realized, that it is not our horoscopes but the situations in which we are that make us what we are, rather than our Rashee!!!.

But but….I would still continue reading LINDA, as it helps to understand a person at times.

So, Enjoy to movie and do send me your comments.

Ever Noticed the World Around Us!!!

On the way to office I often notice people around me, in the bus, on the road or in different vehicles. The faces I see everywhere never match each other. Its makes me appreciative of god's creation, thinking how many mould's he has to give us such different shapes. We are here in different colors, bound in different religions and customs, though our blood and the scientific constitution of the body is same, but still we are so different.

On the long distance, I see their faces and notice their expression changing from neutral to smiling and at times a tiny drop appearing in their eyes. Are they smiling because they are happy, or thinking something silly they did today and when they cry is it some pain or remembering someone they loved. It is just like a newly born baby, who people presume is in his/her own world. Babies dont know how to speak, but its only their expressions which we can interpret.

I often notice people looking out of the window, though their eyes are just looking at the objects around, but is their mind also on what they are seeing. Are they appreciating the beauty of nature, looking for some nice faces or something else. A few friends told me that they are just talking to themselves or analyzing themselves and some are making some plans for the hours to come but their mind is consistently working.

I often notice couples driving together to work. One partner is trying to make a communication while the other is silent. When a person is silent, no one knows what is going in their mind, what are they thinking or concentrating on. And there are couples who are laughing and giving each other attention. It makes me eager to know about their relationship, how long they have been together and would they be soon like other silent couples once they have spent some good time together. Are they happy together or just adjusted to each other or is silence the only thing between them.

A friend once told me a quote, "He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words" but I wonder how does he expect someone to know what he is feeling. How can someone know, is he silent because he is happy, or because he is sad or might be angry with someone. Some say face is the mirror of the mind, but how do we read faces and their mind.

On the roads, I notice people heading towards somewhere, some people driving fast, impatiently changing lanes as if they are in a hurry. A friend says, it seems as if no one is satisfied and its a rat race either in traffic or in real life. Everybody is trying to win the race and ones own win is not that important as others defeat is. Are all of us heading towards a direction or a just on the go, what is the destination we have to reach or we would just keep walking.

Then I notice my friends with whom I interact everyday, they smile with you, laugh with you but they have a different story behind them each day. What they are expressing, is what they are feeling today or are they just faking it. Your colleague sitting just next to you, does he like you or somewhere has a grudge with you, is he your friend or a foe. Sometimes you feel they are the best of your friends and you can trust them, but some unfortunate day your trust is broken.

These instances which I see everyday and the estranged world around me which is full of humans like me - some of whom I know, some of whom I wish to know and those I see & forget everyday - makes me wonder "why do we hate others, if we are alike(humans)", "why do we like others, if we look different", "why do we become silent in a relationship, when we chose it ourselves", "why are we running against each other, if we have the same destination(death)" and "why is the world like this or it could have been different".

If you have ever noticed the world around us, can you tell me...."Yehi duniya hai to aisi yeh duniya kyun hai, yehi hota hai to akhir yehi hota kyun hai"

.... With due regards to friends who contributed to the thoughts in the blog!!!!

Majma!!

Woh doston ki mehfil, woh yaaron ka majma
yaad aata hai, woh milke hansna
Hanste hanste zameen pe ludakna

Woh mausam alag they woh lamhe alag
beet gaye woh din jaise falak

kash woh lamhe tham jatey waheen
woh dost na bichad jatey kaheen

Par aaj woh din fir aya yahan
khul ke kissi ne hansya yahan
ansu nikle aye ankhon se yun
woh mausam laut ayen ho jyun

Ab dil chata hai,yeh pal na hon juda
ye doston ki mehfil sajtee rahe sada

Or hum yuhin hanstey rahein sada!!!!

"Those were the days" are very common words I have heard from many people around me. We all have good memories of our past. Some remember school days and some are appreciative of the college days. A carefree life for all, with love in the air for some and non stop fun times for others. Boys learned all the vices and skills to flirt around with gals. Girls learned all the ada's and getting more attention from boys. But there are some who come along just like that.

It is the time we start understanding the meaning of being a friend and build an unforgettable bond. The times spent together, the jokes and the incidents often come in our talks and we reflect on the past.

As we move on, we make new friends, similar feelings emerge again and we start spending time together, but old friends always remain within our hearts. But fotunately today, we do have great websites like orkut, facebook etc which keeps us all connected and the hearts are filled with joy to know about them, see their kids and smile on their new experiences.

Those times, those people who are long gone might not come along, these Majma's would again be forgone, but it makes this wonder writer wonder..."agle mode pe na jane mile jaye kon"!!!.